Client: Office

When design firm Office had to move, they asked me to write their moving announcement.

“Soon we were an office of golden skinned, lumbering giants, not one of us under nine feet tall. Heads would smack into doorways as hands became stuck in Cracker Jack boxes.”

CLIENT: MTV

One in a series of cartoon shorts for MTV’s Liquid Television. Art by Dave Johnson with animation by Titmouse.

CLIENT: Disney/Marvel

Among the Star Wars stories I’ve written, my favorite was this one about two rebel fighters taking a much needed vacation.

I also wrote a five-issue series for based on the Enchanted Tiki Room attraction. It's an all-ages humor series about talking birds and the people who need them.

Client: McSweeney’s

Two of three pieces for The Goods, a nationally syndicated children's activity page. First, a man teaches children how to turn their tears into juice. Then a tutorial for children to test their physical limits.

Excerpt:
To begin, you’re going to need to cry. Maybe you’re kind of a wimp. For you, crying will be no problem. This will be your moment to shine. For those of you who are tough, crying will take some doing. Popular tear-inducing acts include: thinking of a departed loved one; embarrassing yourself; getting dumped; getting lost in the woods; rubbing freshly diced onions into your face; or contemplating life without the internet. Find what works best for you.

CLIENT: Electric Literature

For ten years I pseudonymously wrote a weekly humor column called Ted Wilson Reviews the World. Each week Ted, an octogenarian, would review everything from the Hamburglar to a grain of sand.

Ted was recognized by The Onion and All Things Considered, Canadian textbook publisher Nelson Education licensed the rights to Ted’s review of the alphabet (including an audio version), and Ted somehow even appeared live on WFNX’s morning show.

ARCHAEOLOGY ★★★★☆ (4 out of 5)
Indiana Jones is the most famous archaeologist. The least famous is a woman named Patricia Woznicki.

FOOD TRUCKS ★★☆☆☆ (2 out of 5)
The next time I find a food truck I like, I’m going to let the air out of its tires so I’ll be able to find it again. It’s embarrassing to bring a date to an empty curb and say there was a restaurant there last time.

EATING ★★★☆☆ (3 out of 5)
What I really don’t like about eating is how half-way through chewing, I suddenly have a mouth full of half-chewed food.

INFINITY ★★★★☆ (4 out of 5)
The only case I can think of where infinity would be a good thing is if you slipped and fell into a hole that was infinitely deep, because then you would never smack into the bottom. Instead, you would just starve to death as you fell.

THE ALPHABET ★★★★☆ (4 out of 5)
The best letter in the alphabet is O. Not only does it remain distinguishable even if it falls over, but it looks just like the number zero. No other letter can do that. Definitely not G, the worst letter.

POWDERED WIGS ★★★★★ (5 out of 5)
The powdered wig offers an air of sophistication other wigs simply can’t. Yet for some reason, almost no one wears them.